February 2008 , Zurich
Hi my dear.
Still I keep on saying that I hope that you are well, honey. I am doing well. Have you noticed that I am in Zurich? Oh my God, the place where we have dreamed to visit together. Do you remember? I do. Do you remember how when were planning our visit here in a season when there would be lots of snow? Do you remember that you have promised to teach me skating?
As now I am sitting alone my half-dark room and I am looking out of my window I remember everything… Every little thing… Do you recall the smell of white flowers that always remind me of you? It was times like those that I understood the meaning of true happiness. Every time I am alone I remember the way we were once, the day that brought us together. And also the day that made us apart. Do you remember? No, you do not! I do not blame you, you know.
You even can not understand now how it is difficult for me to live, to breath when my heart needs only your heart beatings, but yours never needs mine. I think of you, I dream of you, I conjure you up every time when I need you most. This is all I can do, but it is not enough for me. Before we came together I moved through life without meaning. For sure we were destined to be together. But we were also destined to fall apart.
Now your life has another colouring, your mornings are bright, your life is full of discovery and mystery, and your nights are full of stars and calmness. Mine? There is no need to speak about mine. The only thing that I can do is to live with memories about you. From time to time I just try to imagine how you look like now. Two years have passed. And life passed by now like the scenery outside a car window. I am not the one that I used to be. You always said that I was a strong person. Yes, that was so. But now I am stronger then ever. What are you doing now? Are your hands caressing someone else instead of me? I still need your arms hold me so tight like you always did and only you can. And your lips? Are they kissing someone else? Will you ever be able to kiss her with such passion as me? But you said that your kiss belonged to me, and only me. Have you forgotten about it? Yes, for sure you did. Once your eyes were looking only at me. You even dream about me every night. But know…
I just can not forget our last meeting. You looked into my eyes with such indifference. Oh my God! But in all this misery there is a very bright light that still makes me hold on and be strong. That light is the fact that you are alive but it could be opposite. It is not important that you are thousands of miles away from me or even you do not know how much I love you. It is not important. The greatest my desire is you to be fine.
I think that I am getting crazy, as on this Earth there is only one person that will write an e-mail knowing for sure that you will never read it…. But I still write. If you open you e-mail you will find hundreds of e-mails from me. IF…
My search of you is a never ending quest that is doomed to fail.